The shame of my bleed

Who are my long cycle sisters?
Day 33 over here…and still going….longer than usual. 

I’ve never had a regular bleed and there’s always been shame in that. 
Maybe it’s my diet, my stress, my lifestyle?  No, I’m just irregular!!! It makes me no less a Goddess. 
And the air of shame around not knowing where I am in my cycle. 
Going for any smear or gynae checks being asked where I am in my cycle, when my last period was and never knowing. I’ve started asking the nurses now ‘Do you know?’

Sitting in red tent circles and all these women rolling off what day they’re on in their cycle as they introduce themselves. How do the know? I still don’t know…but now I have an app to check. And there feels shame around that too, that I need technology to tell me and I don’t just magically know. 
So I now say ‘my app tells me I’m day xxx’ to normalise it for others. 

Before apps I used to mark it (ish) in my diary…but it’s like my period is defiant. She does exactly what she likes. No fucks given. 

I noticed my change in discharge over the last few years to let me know I’m ovulating. That’s a good start. 

The shame of waking up having bled onto my mattress…again!!! Then the shame of changing the sheets in front of a new lover for the first time and never letting my cleaner change my bedding. 
Transporting my mattress anywhere – the shame of moving house and carrying it down the stairs and across the carpark. Watching the car in front drive along with it hanging out…the fear it’ll fall out into the road and cause a collision and my blood stain mattress will be on the news!
Hesitancy in buying a new mattress, as it’ll just happen again. And knowing that when I do I’ll be driving my mattress to the tip, sticking out of my convertible. 
Knowing there must be another mattress cover option that the squeaky ones they use at old peoples homes, but not being bothered to do the research. 

Then the horniness on my period!!! Don’t get me started on period Sex. Hearing many women just going into their cave and wanting man-free time on their bleed. Give me a man…a blood-comfortable man!!! I’ve had some very gorgeous, sexy and healing experiences with blood honouring lovers. Messy, raw, tender and sometimes just down right filthy. 
Oh the shame! The glorious shame!

I’ve started planning soft days around when I believe my cycle will start…like pinning jelly to the wall. I’ve had 3 soft days so far this week….and now I need to get back to work…and it still hasn’t come. Working on my period, now there’s shame in that too!

It’s just annoying…we’ve all had a friend whose always late!!! ‘She does this every time. When the fuck is she going to come? I’ve planned my shit around her!’

I’ve done alot of work in this. There’s obviously not that much shame as I’m posting this here. And all my friends would have seen my period pants and towels drying on my radiator when they visit, or them floating in my pink, heart shaped bucket in the bath. 
Let’s just have the conversation.

Day one options:
Sit free bleeding into the Earth, painting with your blood?
Spending time in ritual, feeding my blood to my plants?
Under a duvet with chocolate and films?
Time to pop in a lilet, put on my skinny white jeans and go rollerblading?
Or just pull on my period pants and do my usual day, softly – juicing, yoga, clients & the gym.

(And now I’ve just about got my head around it all…it’s time to learn about another even more guarded mystery. Menopause!) 

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