Jem Ayres Sexological Bodyworker & Tantra Coach on log

Sex Coach mission: No orgasms during lockdown.

My personal sex coach mission: No orgasms* during lockdown. (Whilst still relishing a healthy, vibrant sex life!)

Never have two people looked so happy to decide not to *peak* orgasm

Who knows how long lockdown is, or how long I will be able to achieve this but…..
Two sex coaches on a lockdown mission with too much ‘research’ time on their hands.

Only for couples…..?

This isn’t just exploration for couples, solo-sexers will definitely feel the benefits also, and everyone regardless of relationship status can benefit from a mindful self-pleasure practice.
We’ll be setting time aside to connect with ourselves aswell as each other – this is crucial so we’re not pleasure dependant and ‘needing’ from the other.

Orgasm hangover.

For years I’ve had a theory about Orgasm hangover (a client of mine named it this) and its negative effects on us. Now firstly there are lots of orgasmic states so when I talk about orgasm hangover I’m talking about the after effects of a ‘peak’* orgasm.  Peak orgasms are the ones most recognised  by us and those presented in porn.
Peak orgasm being the hard, fast friction based genital stimulation kind – those attached to ejaculation for men, and usually clitoris based for women.
Yes – there are other kinds!!!

There is a definite refractory period that occurs for weeks after peak orgasm which after the initial boost affects our mood, energy, libido, motivation, concentration, confidence and can leave us feeling hollow…. for weeks (!) but we don’t notice it because we fill the void….with more peak orgasms….or food, alcohol, work, exercise, Tinder etc. This also has an affect on your relationship as your brain is wired to have as many partners as possible to expand the gene pool. So after peak orgasms, the kind where you end up ‘spent’ afterwards, something chemically in our brain kicks-off telling us to get bored so that we move onto another partner. Science proves that our genes are against monogamy. So how this looks could be expressed through boredom or irritability with your beloved. Now living in a small space for weeks with my man in a socially-isolated monogamous relationship, I’m wanting to do everything I can to stop the irritability creeping in. Yesterday he cooked dinner backwards and my reaction outweighed the crime!!!
So instead of sex for ‘mating’ (ejaculatory), we’ll be practising sex for bonding. So chemically our bodies don’t get the fully satisfied move-on trigger, instead we can deepen our intimacy through creating more closeness in our sex.

So I suggested the challenge of no peak orgasms during lockdown.  Believe it or not, he’s better at this than I am! Against popular belief, men can be in full bodied orgasmic pleasure that goes far beyond ejaculation I promise.

There must be more to sex….

Instead of reaching for the peak we’re going to try and stay in the expanded bliss states of heart-gasms, toe-gasms, nipple-gasms and full bodied pleasure without needing to end or reach for the goal of completion.
How long can I stay in the low-level arousal wave for? In the 5-7s of the pleasure scale.  Not reaching that point-of-no-return which causes the frustration to build up.
(My clients reading this will understand my language here).

I’m in no way saying that any kind of orgasms are better or more spiritual than the other. Just I know for myself I’ve had limited orgasmic range when I stick to just peak orgasms. They’re pretty addictive chemically to our brains. So stepping away fully for a while let’s us experience a larger sexual capacity, learn about ourselves and then we can step back into orgasmic choice – eventually being able to choose to peak or not.

This is what most of my clients come to me with. Not sexual challenges, dysfunctions or difficulties but just ‘there must be more to Sex’.

But how…?

On our coaching circles, online webinars and couples work over the next few weeks we’ll be sharing practices and exercises we find that help this.

More pleasure – orgasmic hangover + more connection = smooth and loving social isolation.

Find info on our online Sex Coaching group sessions here

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