One thing I speak about during my teachings which always gets a lot of interest is something I call Sex Briefings.
Sex Briefings are the concept that you can discuss sex before you’ve actually had sex with someone.
Or, if you’re in a partnership… discuss an intention or something you’d like to try / bring to / take into your next pleasure session together.
It’s a lot easier to do at the start of a relationship or even before you’ve had sex, than it might be in a firmly formed relationship of years which may already have its patterns and habits which a discussion might challenge, but it’s very much worth doing it.
We’re always taught the importance of discussing STI’s and contraception before having sex… but how many of us actually do this?
Maybe we do it mid-way in, or when there’s already arousal present (not the best time to switch into head mode), or maybe after a first few sexual sessions with someone you find what might need adapting for you.
But this isn’t the only info I’d like to know or share with my partner before we intimately connect.
The benefits of having the Sex Briefing sooner rather than later:
It lets your potential sex buddy know your intentions, and takes a lot of the pressure off.
It gives you BOTH a shared platform to discuss what you need before sex
I usually have them over the phone, fully clothed and outside of the sexual charge- so it’s not intended to be ‘sexy talk’ or titillating.
It’s functional, information sharing / gathering, and getting curious about each other.
It gives me a chance to share what I need to tell my partner before getting intimate, and gives me a chance to hear them also.
If you have it well before you’re having sex, then the information can settle in their bodies and integrate into their imaginations about what sex could look like with you, instead of it being a carbon copy of what their previous partner liked (which I think a lot of people try to stick to).
When’s the best time?
I like to do it once I’ve gotten to know a partner well enough that I already know I’d like to get intimate with them.
Why have the Sex Briefing at all? Won’t it ruin the flow?
I’ve done these Sex Briefing chats very casually with people both who are and who aren’t in the sex positive community or have any sex consciousness and they always say ‘I’ve never had this kind of conversation, it’s so refreshing.’
Having these conversations doesn’t stop anything flowing. I find having these chats ahead of time actually make us both more relaxed so we can drop into the flow easier.
What is covered in the Sex Briefing?
You’ll each have different things to add to your Sex Briefing, and it’ll change over time.
I first started having Sex Briefings when my sexual energy and expression started to transform through this work.
I realised for so many years I’d been trying to have sex a certain way, which ultimately hadn’t worked for me. And actually when I honoured my unique authentic sexual pleasure, my expression looked entirely different to anything I’d seen before in porn.
Here are my top mentions:
- ‘No, I’m not having a fit’
My body would shake and shudder, and I could surrender back into bliss… which my partners sometimes worried about, as if I was fitting, or uncomfortable or passing out. So, to give myself full permission to go with my orgasmic flow, I’d let my partner know what my potential looked like so they wouldn’t get freaked out.
- ‘Less is more’
I also realised that when I got to this place my partners would try to give me more….harder / faster / more furious clit action… and actually when I’m in that state, that’s the opposite I needed. I needed less, much less, softer and pausing and breathing… so that was another piece of information that was important for me to share.
- ‘Don’t TRY to make me orgasm’
Also when I was practising with surrendering into the state of Full Body Orgasm, another request in my Sex Briefing was ‘don’t TRY to make me orgasm’ as I was staying away from high intensity, tension based peak experiences and putting more energy into, and value on, the low-level plateau experience which I could roll with and ride for hours. I don’t often wish to peak orgasm, so please don’t make me.
- ‘Pants-on play’
Before we have penetration, I’d like to experience 2-3 dates of pants-on play with a new sexual partner. It’s exactly what it sounds like. No hands in pants, no genitals involved. Pants stay firmly on. (Not shifted to the side either!) Maybe some dry humping, but mostly having to get creative with exploring each other’s bodies without going for the obvious / lazy option or straight in.
- Asking permission.
I want to have my partner ask permission before entering me with fingers, toy or cock.
Too many times partners take wetness and arousal as a sign we’re ready. But arousal isn’t a direct relationship to pleasure. We just might not be ready!!!!
If you think your partner’s ready… leaving it another 5 minutes isn’t going to do any harm.
Just ask ‘Are you ready?’
Even if it’s a ‘Fuck Yes’…it does something to my nervous system to be asked, and it improves my pleasure.
- ‘Sex doesn’t end with male ejaculation’
I let my partners know that sex ends when one of us decides they’re complete – and that doesn’t necessarily mean orgasm or ejaculation.
I’m not going to be rutting my way to a peak if I’m just not in it, or tolerating them going for the goal, if I’m finished and tired.
If they’re not happy with this, then that gives me the information I need to make a choice of whether they’re the kinda person I want to get sexual with.
I also recognised there was a sexual position for me that brought up old trauma, and whilst I didn’t need to trauma dump onto my partner and give them details (I’d done enough work on it), I did need to let them know that I was wishing to enjoy this position but also will be asking for lots of pausing, so I could work my way through anything that came up and stay connected with myself and them during sex. But as I worked on my trauma and healed, I found this no longer needed to be in my Sex Briefing, as it rarely came up. The Sex Briefing was part of the healing of this for me.
Basically a Sex Briefing is a conversation that gives you PERMISSION.
Permission to share what you need, desire, what you love and love-less. What guidelines and boundaries you could put in place. Permission to let them know exactly what you need to be as sexually happy with them as possible.
I know with long distance partners I put in a boundary that we wouldn’t be having sex right up to the moment they left, as I realised the sex would be lovely, but as they were driving off down the road it was as if they were still inside me energetically and I felt a pull. So now I don’t have sex with someone long distance at least 3 hours before they leave and always do something else together (clothes on) between sex and leaving too, like make lunch together or going for a walk.
Also with long distance partners I found I needed to know the date I was next seeing them before they left, so we’d get diaries out and arrange at some point during our time together.
I learnt all these things whilst I was going along… so with this new awareness you’ll figure out what you need in a Sex Briefing.
Other things to share in a Sex Briefing:
What the sex means for you?
A one-off thing, just sex buddies or the potential for something more.
When does sex end for you? How will you let me know?
Other intimate partners? Do you have anyone else you’re intimate with / in contact with?
Aftercare? Would you like to have breakfast together? Or a call in a couple of days? Or just a sex-fest, shower and leave?
So what stops us having these kinds of chats? That’s an interesting enquiry. Maybe some journaling homework for you there.
You decide the kinda sex you can make together. So let’s normalise these conversations!!!