Living life on the edge of Orgasm

‘Living life on the edge of Orgasm.‘’But doesn’t that mean you’re just walking around constantly frustrated?’

A journalist asked me this once.  I had just told her that I was living life on the edge of Orgasm.

So, what did I mean by this?

I usually use the phrase ‘Orgasmic bliss state’ instead of Orgasm.  The word Orgasm can feel like a description of a certain thing, that should happen at the end of sex.  ‘I’ve just had an Orgasm’.  What I was describing during that interview is more of an Orgasmic Bliss state.  This is a bigger, longer lasting, fuller experience.

When I speak about living life at the edge of Orgasm, I mean a different type of ‘Orgasmic Experience’ to the one that’s mostly portrayed in porn or romantic films.  These are usually genital focused, Peak Orgasms. These are the common ‘releases’ that come from fast, friction-based stimulation. Yet that’s just one option on a huge spectrum of pleasure.  It’s not bad or wrong, yet so many of my clients come to me saying, ‘Sex is ok, I just feel there must be more’.  There is.

When I was first exploring sex in my early teens, I was confused and concerned to read Cosmopolitan in the 90’s telling me that a third of women didn’t ever orgasm. I didn’t want that to be me.

So, you can appreciate the relief I felt when I eventually had an orgasm, one at 17, then not again till 19.  Totally by surprise…I had zero control over my orgasmic response at that point, and believed it was all about what my partner was doing to me to ‘make’ it happen.  Those first orgasms were with boyfriends, and then at 21 I finally learnt to orgasm whilst touching myself.  And once I’d learnt, I wasn’t going to give it up.  All of these orgasms were clitoris loving experiences.  It felt as though it had finally woken up.  This is probably the easiest or at least the most common for women, as the clitoris is so accessible.  The equivalent for a man would be the kind of orgasm which ends with ejaculation.

These Orgasms are what us Sexologists call ‘Peak Orgasm’.  Peak orgasm is located in the genitals and generally means that the build-up of sensation and energy stays mostly in the genitals. An intense orgasmic release, which drops off and leaves us, sometimes feeling tired, spaced out, wanting to cuddle or maybe even teary.

I work with my clients on something called the Pleasure Scale.  This is a way of tracking our arousal from zero (safety, comfort, relaxation) to ten (peak orgasm / ejaculation).   

A Peak Orgasm can go from zero > ten quite quickly, whereas, what I encourage clients to work with is a greater understanding of relaxed arousal vs striving for peak intensity.  This requires us to hang out at the lower end of the Pleasure Scale, the fours and fives, to see what is there for us when we let go of trying to get beyond where we are.

I know that if I sit and tune into the touch of stroking the palm of my own hand very lightly and softly whilst breathing, I can reach a three on the Pleasure Scale…and if I stick with it, without a need to experience anything bigger or touch elsewhere or push my three, then that could then turn into a four.  I could then also find different sensations in different parts of my body starting to fire up just from touching my hand.  Or running my fingers over grass, or rolling in the sun, or feeling soft velvet against my skin.  Any of these things can promote a response in my body which is subtle, but worth tuning into and with practise and awareness, can span far beyond what the mind understands as pleasure.

Warning: Usually seven or eight on the Pleasure Scale is the point-of-no-return for myself and many I coach.  There’s hardly any coming back from an eight, it’s onwards only, with the drive to peak orgasm.  This is of course completely fine to go for, then go for your life and enjoy all the sensations.

Yet, it’s just nice to open up to other options and have a greater range of experiences.  Moving from seeking peak experiences expands our orgasmic repertoire and gives us more choice.  It allows more freedom to allow our pleasure to buzz around like a curious bumblebee tasting different nectars and visiting different flower experiences.  Instead of a racing car speeding down an open road to get to the joy only to be found in the finish, let’s slow down, open the windows and enjoy the view.  Let’s stop off in a sunny spot to soak in what pleasure there is to be found in the joy of the journey, maybe never getting to the “end”.

When I really allow myself the time to hang out in the fours and fives of the pleasure scale it can just take a gust of wind across my legs to push me into full body orgasmic experience.

But the benefits aren’t just on the sexual spectrum. Being in touch with my subtle pleasure has given me a strong sense of inner-confidence and self-esteem. I have a greater awareness of my own influence on the world around me.  I have better connection with others, I find life challenges easier to cope with, I give myself permission to speak out and take greater leaps with my work and my money.  I really value myself and what I have to offer.  This gives me permission to take my place in the world.  To be heard.  To be seen.  To be accepted exactly as I am.

Contact Jem for questions or to book online Orgasmic Embodiment Coaching session

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